This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize