Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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