The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
