We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
