I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
