god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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