i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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