Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize