I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
