dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize