Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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