he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
