Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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