She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
