dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
