Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
