Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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