Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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