apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
