Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize