dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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