Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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