Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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