Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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