I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
