so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
