The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
