if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
