we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
