So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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