he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
