I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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