Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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