i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
