The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Pooping to opera.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
