When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
