I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
