He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
