My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
did you just send me my own nude
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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