Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
