I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
