so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize