If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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