walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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