Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
someone threw a dead crab at me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
