ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
