I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
