He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
