my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's blow job season.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
