Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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