im so drunk with asians
where?
always
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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