and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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