Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
