the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
