Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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