after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize