You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
