i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
