I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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