If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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