Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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