let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Randomize
