Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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